Do I love?
by Chiyo Ishida
Summary: Riza or Winry, whichever you prefer, and their inner feelings, angstdark


Sorry to say this seems a very angst filled piece of work but please read on. Hopefully I have made it so this story could either be Winry or Riza (making up Rizas past that is). Every so often I like to do a story with no particular storyline but one that really explores emotions and heart/mind conflicts. Please read/review and make requests if you wish for me to do other characters in a story like this._FMA isn't mine. One shot work for the moment.

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Perhaps she was foolish but perhaps she didn't care if they thought so. Although they were friends and family they could also think cruel thoughts about her. She knew they felt sorry for her but it was not sympathy she required. Nothing would change in her heart no matter what was said. She was made to feel pathetic and childish by those who loved her yet this did not affect her feelings for him.

It wasn't like she didn't know she was being foolish. She had cursed and scolded herself many a time for becoming what she had. She was cold at times but not heartless, brunt but never cruel. Truth be told she had always been this way but now people felt they had a reason for her to be. The people who said such things did not know her well enough to make such accusations but everybody felt their opinion was important enough to be expressed. What was it to them what kind of person she was?

At the time she had been to young and naïve to understand what she was feeling. But as the years went on it slowly became clear to her what was buried in her heart. At least, she had found something and given it the only name that seemed appropriate. She didn't use this word openly because she did not believe in it. Unfortunately until she was sure what was going on she would have to use it for herself.

She had dealt with much in her life and it had moulded her. From around the age of twelve she faced an adult pain and so in essence became one. In the years that followed events that hurt did nothing but make her stronger even if at times she seemed weaker. When she was younger she would cry but as she grew she realised crying never achieved anything. Even if the person causing her pain saw her cry nothing would change so she strived to put a halt to it. That was difficult at times and bottling it up did her no good. Still she had promised only to cry when it was needed.

Loss at any age is hard but she had lost her parents when she was still a child. It had taken away part of her insides that could never be returned by anybody. She felt betrayed by them for dying on her and perhaps that was where it started.

She had no trust in men. She believed that they would inevitably end up hurting you so you should never put yourself in a position that they could. She befriended them and saw that some were kind and gentle. Yet even the kind and gentle ones, much like her father, could still easily leave the ones they love just for their job.

Perhaps it was this mistrust that meant she did not believe in love even if she claimed to feel something like it. Love was created long ago by poets to romanticize the idea of a partnership. In reality real love didn't exist and it came down to the basic instinct of survival. A child loves a parent because they provide for them and a parent loves a child so they can grow up and pass on the family genes. This is why parents get angry when a child puts themselves in danger.

As for the love between man and woman: that is easily explained too. First there is attraction, no matter what people say about personality there has to be physical attraction. The reason being if you want to create offspring you want them to shine. The reason people stay together is because they learn to provide for one another. This may be in the form of care, protection, children or just basic company. People's greatest fear is dying alone for they feel they die after achieving nothing.

She never voiced these opinions knowing people would be hurt for it sounded like she was accusing people of living a lie. She didn't deny these feelings were strong but love had caused to much hurt to be a good thing.

They day she had suggested to herself she was in love she had wrestled with her thoughts from then onwards. She had never been together with the one she 'loved' so knew she couldn't love him. Surely you would have to receive affection back before you can claim to love someone. Yes that had to be true. Since she had never had any signal he loved her she could not love him and that was how it was.

Least it had been up until a couple of years ago. Things all about her were changing and there was nothing that could be done about it. She had felt something terrible was going to happen but she was powerless to stop it. She didn't tell him so but had desperately wanted him to stay away from danger rather then jump into it like he always did. It was his job to face this danger, his destiny but she knew it would end in hurt. Biting her tongue she had watched him vanish from her sight into what would be his fate.

She hurt more then expected when he left and never came back. It wasn't only the hurt of loosing someone; it was that familiar feeling of betrayal. Just when there seemed to be a glimmer of something other than friendship in his eye he left her behind. The one man she had placed trust in had thrown it back at her; still she didn't wholly hate him for it. What was even worse even, she pined for him. For a time nobody realised but it soon became apparent. And man who dare approach her would get what was coming to him. Friends and family saw this occur and informed her it was time she gave up on him. It was of course, no use. Her heart would not let go of that look in his eye before he disappeared.

She was weak. Her stupid heart would skip a beat each time she thought she saw his face in a crowd. She thought it would pass but even to this day she looked out for him. Visited his old haunts expecting to see him waiting for her. He never was. Perhaps like a foolish child she had in fact fallen in love with him and until she found a better word for what she felt, that would be what she had to tell herself.


End file.
